Vices & Inimmaculate Consumption

What A Feeling ~ lyrics by Irene Cara
First, when there's nothing but a slow glowing dream
That your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind
All alone I have cried silent tears full of pride
In a world made of steel, made of stone
Well I hear the music, close my eyes, feel the rhythm
Wrap around, take a hold of my heart
[Chorus:]
What a feeling, bein's believin'
I can't have it all, now I'm dancin' for my life
Take your passion, and make it happen
Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life
Now I hear the music, close my eyes, I am rhythm
In a flash it takes hold of my heart
What a feeling (I am music now), bein's believin' (I am rhythm now)
Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life
What a feeling...

What A Feeling (think sarcasm)
Hands clasped to the divoted red plastic wrapped handle bar.  I walk in, Starbucks in hand.  List in the other hand.  The List is a useful prop, an excuse to come.  A feeling comes over me.  I am still tired from staying up too late and waking too early.  The feeling is one that says it might be really enjoyable to find a corner, in this place of promises and wonder, to sleep.  Just curl up, lay down, in an inconspicuous corner and rest a minute.  The next feeling that washes over me, once it sets in that I'm here, is one that I think is the direct result of an explosion of endorphins cursing through my veins.

Target promises (and this is where it's gets really pathetic) to restore the magic that I *think* I have lost at a price I can afford.  It's bright clean spaces, modern signage, the famous designers with their almost as rad stuff offer a polished veneer that appeals and speaks to my inner machinery in a way that is frightening to me.  When I felt the "rush" upon entering this store, I knew I needed to look into what this place really meant to me. 

Why analyze?  What's the big whoop?  Why not just give into the very Inimmaculate Consumption and the promise of fabulousness and restoration of self-esteem.  Well, because that's not healthy.  Immaculate is defined as: im·mac·u·late ( -m k y -l t). adj. 1. Impeccably clean; spotless. See Synonyms at clean. 2. Free from stain or blemish; pure. 3. Free from fault or error.  This consumption is a not clean and is not pure, nor is free from fault.  This consumption is on-going.  It's superficial.  It temporarily fills a void.  It says get in there and see what little do-dad they have that might get you one step closer to being the complete package. 

The List.
It gets dicey because it is sort of necessary to visit The Promiseland, as realistically, I need Soft Scrub as well as thank you notes (and this other stuff:  sort-of cute v-neck little pocket tee, piggy bank, jegging (only to be returned due to excessive creasing and generally not living up to my expectations), a third conditioner to help Ella with her hair of a texture that is so different from mine, that product trial and error is necessary), pick up prescription, certain kind of milk, return of online purchase, dollar section browse, a sports bra, Nutella, sunscreen with little or no chemicals, shampoo that does not contain sulfates, a lamp shade, lemon cream lotion, birthday supplies, school supplies, a stainless water bottles without bpa, a rechargeable battery, organic sheets, tie dyed socks, printer paper, a watch, memory foam matress topper and the list continues on into infinity.)

Messy Issues.
See what I am saying?  Inimmaculate.  Messy.  Too much.  A vice promising health and sweet smelling skin.  I really only needed Soft Scrub, thank you notes, birthday supplies and a rechargeable battery.  The rest was unnecessary or could wait.


Money is an issue here.  Realizing that the promises and answers I am looking for are not for sale here is an issue.  The consumption and what it means for the environment is an issue here as well.


We buy too much stuff.  I love the idea of practicing efficiency.  Streamlining.  Making less trash.  Not falling for the lie that the buying will fulfill you. 

Then there's THIS. 

Target spends loads of money (Thank you Supreme Court for ruling that corporations can spend oodles of money on political candidates.  bumper sticker: Palin 2012, brought to you by Wal-Mart) supporting the nuttiest of ring-wingers.  Michele Bachmann.  Michele Bachmann!  To think that some of my money will funnel into her campaign makes me want to take a pocket knife and manually carve off each freckle that adorns my face. 

What A Feeling (think... maybe NOT sarcastically, maybe it's theme song in the making?? hmmm.)

Reign it in.  Period.  Get a grip.  Buy what you need and no more.  Realize that this job of taking care of my children is a blessing, a hard and joyful blessing.  I will stop blaming them for my frump as I often think it not necessary to make any kind of look happen because I am just sticking around the house, grocery shopping, picking them up, etc.  I will do things that actually fill me with passion, creativity and joy.  I will write more and surf less.  I will sew and draw.  I will keep some of it for myself and share some of these passions with the kiddos.  Fill up the tank in fulfilling ways that don't smack of instant gratification and hollow promises. 


I will remove the monkey from my back.  It's heavy and it keeps flinging shit at me.